Befriend Your Shadow

My own shadow journey…

One of the things I used to be so afraid of was to set goals for myself because I knew that if I didn’t set them I couldn’t fail. There was a lingering feeling that would follow me into each new year and I would hear this message while others were setting new year resolutions. I even tried to boast that it somehow made me better because I didn’t give in to the hype of a new year. Which was really just my inferiority coming out in a clever way.

But on the opposite side of that I also had the thoughts and feeling that if I don’t set goals and at least try, I’ll never know. It was a struggle between the two for a long time, but with the former always winning out. Until finally I took a really good look at myself and didn’t let it.

That was the beginning of what I now know to be my own shadow work. It’s looking at the parts of ourselves that we’re afraid to face. That brings up feelings of shame and guilt and other negative emotions that stop us from even trying or moving forward.

I decided to look at this part of me that was so unwilling to set goals for myself. When I finally did decide to set goals, in a way that felt really good to how I operated, I felt nervous & excited and a bit of relief that I was finally doing the thing I was so afraid to do. That before this point in time, I was afraid to even look at.

Hidden within my shadow was the feeling that I didn’t want to fail. Failure for me carried with it shame around not being good enough, not measuring up to others’ ideas about me, disappointing others, and in general how I would be viewed in a negative light if I couldn’t reach my goals. There was shame around having the identity of being a failure, something I took on to believe was the worst thing you could be. I thought it said so much more about who I am that I might fail than what it said about me that I actually tried.

The reason for this was primarily because that’s what I was shown and conditioned to believe. Nobody had to deliberately tell me this, it was through the actions and words I saw in others.

When I dug even deeper I realized I carried this around because I perceived that I received attention and therefore love from those who cared for me only when I succeeded and did well. This was reiterated to me when I would be rewarded for good grades. Which must mean that if I fail, it meant I would lose love. I would be looked at differently. I wouldn’t receive the love I had received for doing well. I know now that isn’t the truth, but at the time that’s what I had taken on as truth.

Since this first deep encounter into working on my shadow and where these conditioned ways of thinking have come from, I’ve worked with my hidden parts in many different areas of my life. This is just one example that started it for me. In this first befriending I finally reached a ‘f*ck it’ attitude and didn’t want to regret not trying. I was at a point of no return rather than coming from a loving and embracing place.

Over the years I have learned to work with my shadow in a more loving and compassionate way. When I met the parts of me that I was afraid to face, is when I ended up loving myself the most. 

When I no longer avoided what I thought was wrong or bad inside of me, I accepted myself fully. But I’m human, just as you are, and I turned my back on those parts for a while. I finally stepped up and turned around again to not only face these parts of myself, but befriend them. 

What does it look like when we not only face but befriend the parts of us we don’t accept? 
For me, it looks like collaboration. 
Understanding. 
Curiosity. 
Compassion. 
Support. 
Being seen & heard. 
It looks like all the best qualities in a friendship coming to life within myself.

Now I approach my shadow as a most beloved friend who needs my love, support, attention, grace and acceptance. That’s how I guide you to work with your shadow as well. To become the best possible friend you can to it. To truly look at your shadow and be willing to see what’s been hidden in the dark for so long. And then cultivating a relationship with open communication about what is bringing fear, shame, and guilt.

I want to assure you that though you may be reluctant to befriending your shadow, on the other side is this amazing relationship with yourself where you fully accept yourself and have this deep inner knowing of who you really are. This acceptance and knowing allows you to go out into the world with courage and confidence to experience whatever comes to you. The difficult things really start to become less difficult. Inner peace and the ability to face what comes your way becomes your new center.